What does it mean to be in a long-term, healthy relationship? The cycle of connection, disconnection, and repair is indeed a fundamental part of all relationships, and learning to navigate these phases with grace and understanding is key to deepening intimacy and fostering lasting bonds. Connection, Disconnection, and Repair In any close relationship, there will be times when we feel perfectly in sync with our partner—times of harmony where everything seems to flow effortlessly, where creativity and togetherness come naturally, and where we feel a deep sense of safety and comfort. This is the phase of connection . However, it is equally inevitable that we will experience disconnection . Disconnection can come in many forms: misunderstandings, disagreements, unmet expectations, or even just the natural ebb and flow of emotional availability. When these moments occur, they can bring about psychic pain, a sense of isolation, or a feeling of being misunderstood or unvalued. The third phase, repair , is where the true work of a relationship happens. Repair is about coming back together after disconnection, addressing the hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or unmet needs, and finding a way to restore the connection and safety that might have been lost. This process is crucial because it not only mends the immediate rift but also strengthens the relationship over time. Successful repair builds trust and resilience, demonstrating to both partners that the relationship can withstand challenges and come out stronger. Early Imprints and Expectations Our expectations and assumptions about relationships are profoundly shaped by our early experiences with our primary caregivers. The moment-to-moment interactions we had as infants with our caregivers—whether they were nurturing, neglectful, or somewhere in between—literally wired our brains to respond in certain ways to emotional stimuli. These early experiences taught us fundamental lessons about trust, love, worthiness, and how we expect to be treated by others. Even with the most well-intentioned parents, there will always be moments of frustration and disappointment. Parents, being human, have their own limitations, and they can't always live up to the idealized version of what we might have wanted or needed as children. This is a natural part of growing up: recognizing and making peace with the fact that our parents, just like our partners, are imperfect. Making Room for Disappointment in Love Just as we have to come to terms with the imperfections of our parents, we also need to make room for the imperfections of our partners. In long-term relationships, there will inevitably be moments where our partner falls short of our expectations, where they hurt or disappoint us, or where they simply don't understand us the way we hoped they would. This is a natural part of being in a relationship with another human being, who, like us, is flawed and capable of making mistakes. The challenge, and the opportunity, lies in how we handle these moments of disillusionment. Do we hold onto resentment and let it create distance between us? Or do we make space for these feelings, acknowledge them, and then work towards repair? Making room for disappointment doesn't mean resigning ourselves to being perpetually let down. Instead, it means accepting that disappointment is a natural part of love and that by navigating these moments with compassion and understanding, we can deepen our connection with our partner. The Growth Potential in Imperfection Ultimately, the imperfections in our relationships offer us opportunities for growth. They push us to confront our own expectations, communicate more openly and honestly, and develop a more nuanced understanding of our partner and ourselves. By embracing the full spectrum of experiences that relationships bring—connection, disconnection, and repair—we allow our love to evolve and become richer and more resilient. In recognizing that our partners, like our parents, are human and imperfect, we give ourselves the freedom to love more deeply and more authentically. We let go of the fantasy of perfection and instead find joy in the real, messy, beautiful journey of building a life together.

Were you intrigued by the title? Okay then, let’s talk this through… Our relationship with our intimate partner can re-awaken the rejected parts of ourselves that have gone ‘underground’, that are yearning to be seen, known, loved, cherished and integrated. However, we also risk tremendous disappointment (or even rage) if we share these parts of ourselves and our partner does not respond positively to our delicate, fledgling strivings. Intimate partners unconsciously look to one another to validate and ‘grow’ the parts of themselves they could not acknowledge, experience, or express in their families of origin. While relationships can potentially be catalysts for these sacred developmental tasks, they can also become stifling or outright damaging. Unfortunately, most couples don’t see what’s truly driving every argument and instead, get stuck in endless cycles of defensiveness, withdrawal, or angry demand. Some partners become so disillusioned and filled with contempt that they give up in hopeless resignation. I was speaking to a dear client recently, who feels so hurt by her partner’s passive-aggressive remarks and feels so misperceived, that it’s really hard for her to see a way forward. Have you been here before? The good news is that it’s never too late to turn things around - to get meaningful support and to acknowledge what the real struggle is actually about. To start re-patterning your arguments into opportunities for growth, consider the following next time you’re triggered: Consider what’s ACTUALLY causing you pain. Is it being caused now or is it from the past? Consider what you're ACTUALLY fighting for. What do you need to GROW from this experience? How can you EXPRESS your worries and needs to your partner, without putting them down? So many of the couples I’ve worked with are amazed at how hopeful, expansive, and ALIVE they feel again when they take a stand for their own and one another’s growth.

It's so relatable to feel triggered when you see your partner relaxing on the couch, scrolling through their social media feed, or getting comfortable while you’re overwhelmed by the demands of daily life. It can be frustrating when the kids are finally asleep, but there’s still so much to do—dishes piled up, food on the floor, phone calls to return, and lunches to prepare. You haven’t even had a moment to breathe or take care of yourself all day, and the thought of doing it all over again tomorrow feels exhausting. Many people experience these feelings, and I've heard countless versions of this scenario from my clients and friends. I've been there myself. A few years ago, I would get incredibly triggered when my husband would go out for his long training runs, even after helping around the house and with the kids. I remember thinking: "Can't he see that I desperately need a break too?" "It’s never going to be my turn to take care of myself." "I can’t even get myself to a yoga class once a month, and my husband’s training for another marathon?" I wished my partner could create the perfect conditions  for me to do something for myself, even if there were still endless tasks to finish and our children were sick. I was triggered and envious because I wanted him to: Give me permission to take time for myself Help me stay consistent and keep my promises to myself Soothe my mommy guilt Fiercely protect my own self-care He often did these things, but I couldn’t see or hear them because I was too exhausted and wasn’t giving myself permission to prioritize my needs. I was constantly overriding my own needs, especially when everyone else’s seemed more pressing. My husband was showing me exactly what I needed—to be responsive to others without abandoning myself. I’ve come to realize that feeling triggered often says more about us  than it does about our partners. It’s a sign that we need to look inward and ask ourselves some important questions: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Triggered: What qualities or traits might I be criticizing or attacking in my partner, which may be exactly the things I need to offer myself more of the time? Often, the very thing that triggers us in our partner is something we’re not giving ourselves permission to do or be. If you’re annoyed that your partner is taking time to relax, it might be a sign that you need to allow yourself to relax more, too. What do I need in order to be deliberate and consistent with my own self-care? Think about what changes you can make in your routine or mindset to prioritize your well-being. Maybe it’s setting boundaries, asking for help, or letting go of guilt. How can I grow from this experience of being triggered? What’s missing for me, and what am I secretly yearning for but not admitting to myself or expressing to my partner? Triggers can be powerful teachers. They show us where we’re feeling unfulfilled or disconnected from our needs. Take a moment to reflect on what you’re truly longing for and consider how you can communicate these needs to your partner. Taking a pause to reflect on these questions can help transform moments of frustration into opportunities for growth and deeper self-understanding. I'd love to hear what comes up for you when you think about these questions. Feel free to share in the comments!

What most people truly desire is actually quite simple. They want their partner to be there for them, to genuinely enjoy and look forward to being with them—without facing criticism, attacks, or being shut down. They want to feel emotionally safe, secure, and free with their partner. Does this resonate with you? Are you facing relationship compatibility doubts? For instance, you might both unconsciously feel conflicted between your desire for freedom and fun versus responsibility and commitment, or perhaps you're deeply torn about how independent or dependent you should be on each other. Take my former clients Miriam and Danielle (not their real names) as an example. They often argued about how much time they should spend together. Miriam felt most loved and connected when Danielle made an effort to spend time together at home as a couple. Danielle, on the other hand, felt most alive and fulfilled in the relationship when she could rehearse with her band, go out with her friends, and pursue her own passions. Beneath the surface, they both felt insecure and afraid of being rejected, which made their arguments feel so intense. Miriam dealt with her anxiety by constantly seeking validation, while Danielle tried to protect herself by denying that she needed Miriam in the first place. You see, we’re all unconsciously attracted to people who remind us of our hopes and heartbreaks from our earliest relationships with our parents because our unconscious minds want us to develop the qualities we suppressed (or were not allowed to express) in childhood. Our inner wisdom keeps pushing us to revisit painful patterns in the hope that we can rework or master them in our adult intimate relationships. Take a few moments to reflect on these four important questions: In your family growing up, what parts of yourself or your personality did you learn to express or suppress in order to feel safe and maintain love and connection? What are your "love stories"—the assumptions you have about who you need to be to be loved and your expectations in loving relationships? What survival strategies did you develop to help you feel more secure as a child? How might these same survival strategies still be playing out in your marriage now? Do they still serve you? If you feel inspired, please comment below and share what comes up for you!

In long-term relationships, it’s inevitable that our partners will disappoint, hurt, or misunderstand us at times. There will always be a gap between the ideal lover we imagined and the real, human, imperfect partner we have. It’s crucial that we learn to make space for these disappointments—even disillusionment—in order to restore connection and continue to grow in love. When faced with disillusionment, we have two choices: Spiral down the path of control, revenge, and resentful resignation. It’s okay if you’ve found yourself on this path more times than you can count. Our natural response when we feel abandoned, helpless, ashamed, or hopeless is to protest, angrily demand connection, retaliate, or withdraw. Turn back toward our partner and repair the relationship to restore connection. This challenging task of healing in the face of relationship pain offers renewed opportunities to affirm that we are good enough, lovable, and capable of loving, and that we can truly rely on our partner and our relationship to be there for us, even in our darkest moments. This choice is a recurring one, presenting itself in our moment-by-moment interactions. The beauty of relationships lies in the fact that they are like a daily practice—we don’t need to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to be reactive, to get angry, to have a tantrum, or to withdraw. In fact, sometimes these reactions are necessary, and most relationships can weather conflict. What truly matters is that we consciously and deliberately decide to respond differently by returning to our partner and recognizing that they are in pain too. The next time you notice the familiar feelings of disappointment, hopelessness, or resentment bubbling up in your body, pause. Take some deep, full breaths. Stop blaming, and instead become curious about what got triggered for both of you that caused such deep upset. Remember that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our partner is to take responsibility for how we affect them, while still honoring our own feelings. Try to see your partner with softer eyes and assume the best about their intentions. Lastly, practice self-compassion if you’re not “there yet. ” This isn’t about reaching a destination; it’s a lifelong process. Even the most skilled individuals have days when relationship communication strategies feel impossible. I’d love to hear what resonates with you, what you would add, or anything else you feel inspired to share about your own journey.

Do you ever find yourself holding back or avoiding important steps because you feel too scared or overwhelmed? What if you could harness your fears to unlock a new level of courage? In intimate relationships, you’ve probably heard me say that every argument with your partner carries a hidden wish for growth: A desire to resolve an old conflict or trigger in a new way so that you can create and master a fresh emotional experience around it, instead of falling into the same disappointing patterns on autopilot. Does this resonate with you? The same principle applies to our personal struggles, anxieties, and suffering. It’s natural for us to want to avoid or shy away from "difficult feelings"—especially the ones we label as "bad." But when we run from our shadows, we cheat ourselves out of important growth opportunities. How might your life change if you could use your personal challenges to cultivate more love, compassion, and trust within yourself and with your partner? (By the way, if you’re a parent, this can also help you connect more deeply with your kids.) Imagine what would be different if, instead of getting stuck in fight, flight, or freeze responses, you could embrace those difficult feelings and learn from them. Our deepest fears or "gremlins" often highlight what we still need to heal or understand, provided we’re willing to listen and allow them to guide us on our path to growth and greater self-trust. Leave a comment below if this resonates with you!

You might have heard that mother-baby pairs (and father-baby pairs) "mutually regulate" each other. This means that babies and caregivers develop a shared rhythm or space where their emotions, stress levels, and fundamental sense of self are constantly influencing one another. When everything is going well, the parent and baby feel connected and in sync. They both feel relatively safe, comfortable within themselves, and in harmony together. But when this familiar rhythm is disrupted by danger or intense feelings like rage, shame, helplessness, or loss of control, the whole system becomes "dysregulated," leaving both the parent and baby feeling helpless, chaotic, and out of control. It’s as if parent and baby are sharing the same "bundle of nerves." I also like to highlight that parent and baby are constantly creating and reacting within a shared energetic field or vibration. Our default ways of processing and dealing with our feelings and sensations (and subsequently our attachment patterns) are formed within this relational field , which is associated with the right hemisphere of our brain, by the age of 18 months. These templates and patterns are stored outside of our conscious awareness in the form of body sensations, images, emotions, and kinesthetic memories. In our adult intimate relationships, these implicit, right-hemisphere memories get re-activated. They provide a blueprint or template for what we expect from our partner, what we perceive as safe or unsafe, and how we can best protect ourselves from perceived threats or disconnection. In our families of origin, these relationship blueprints likely served us well, but they can become outdated, misguided, or limiting when it comes to our relationships with our partners. If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same patterns with your partner and feeling stuck or hopeless, pay close attention: Breaking relationship cycles begins with becoming aware of your early patterns and understanding their origins. This awareness sheds light on why your reactions can feel so automatic and intense, and why your intimate relationships may seem stuck in "replay mode." By recognizing these patterns, you can move beyond limiting assumptions and open up new, exciting possibilities with your partner! If you found this valuable, please share your thoughts and takeaways in the comments below!

Many of my clients admit they keep a mental tally of every mistake their partner makes or every hurtful comment thrown their way, so they can save it up as ammunition for the next argument. Does that sound familiar? I can relate. I used to bring up my resentments at the worst possible times. This habit kept me from being present in the moment, and it did nothing to help me feel understood either. In fact, ‘kitchen-sinking’—where we bring up every grievance in one go—usually just leaves both partners feeling worse. Managing relationship triggers is essential to breaking this cycle. Here are four simple but powerful steps you can take to feel truly seen and heard, allowing you to communicate with your partner from a place of trust and connection, rather than from the desperate energy of disappointment and frustration. How we treat our partners when we’re hurt really matters! P.S. Doing this inner work doesn’t mean you can’t also receive comfort from your partner—in fact, it will increase the chances that your partner will hear and respond to you! 1. Check In with Yourself and Feel the Feelings Take a few deep breaths and give yourself some space to notice what’s happening in your body. Is your chest tight? Is your stomach in knots? Is there tension in your jaw? Does your body feel like it’s contracting, or do you feel the urge to lash out? These physical sensations can be valuable cues to pay attention to. Try not to judge or interpret these feelings; simply allow them to be. See if you can reach a state of non-resistance to whatever is happening in the present moment. 2. Ask Yourself: Does This Remind Me of Anything I’ve Felt Before? Once you’ve made space to acknowledge and feel your emotions, ask yourself if these feelings seem familiar in any way. Do they remind you of anything from your past? What story do you typically tell yourself in these moments? What meanings have you historically attached to these emotional states? Here are some examples my clients have shared: "I’m all alone again." "My partner doesn’t care if I’m hurting." "I’m not a priority in my partner’s world." "I don’t matter to anyone." "I’m out of control or too much." "I feel intense shame." "I shouldn’t have trusted my partner or shared this with them." "Here I am again, back in a place of inevitable disappointment." "I feel a familiar sense of hopelessness or being ‘doomed.’" 3. Imagine Yourself Getting Exactly What You Need in Your Relationship Right Now Picture yourself sharing exactly what you’re feeling with someone who truly understands you. This could be a real person in your life, or it might be an ideal parent, partner, friend, or mentor—essentially, the wise, mature adult part of you. Imagine this person validating, understanding, and being genuinely curious about your needs and feelings. Notice how this feels: Do any parts of you feel lighter? Less panicked or alone? Are you still feeling desperate? If you feel any resistance to doing this exercise, that’s okay—accept that too and know this practice is always available to you when you’re ready. 4. Prioritize Your Relationship & Come Alongside Your Partner to Stay Connected Be intentional about sharing your honest feelings with your partner when you’re feeling connected to each other. When you talk, let your partner know that while you’re reacting to them, your feelings might be heightened because of past experiences. For example, you might say: “When you don’t answer me, it makes me so angry because I feel ignored, just like I did when my mother didn’t seem to notice me.” Then you might add: “I know I’m sensitive to this, but I’m hoping you can help me with it. Can you make an extra effort to let me know you’re listening, even if you’re tired or distracted?” Take full responsibility for how you might have contributed to the dynamic. This approach will likely disarm your partner and encourage them to take responsibility for their impact on you as well. For example: “I know I repeat myself sometimes and that it can be annoying, but sometimes I keep asking because I just want to know that you’ve heard me.” Remember—this takes lots of practice! I’d love to hear how this goes for you and where you typically get stuck or feel you need more support.

Have you ever held back from telling your partner that you’re upset about something because you didn’t want to spoil the good mood or cause conflict? In those moments, do you find that the words get stuck in your throat because you just can’t bring yourself to say them? Up to 75% of my clients used to worry that addressing issues with their partner wouldn’t be worth the effort, or worse—they feared that it would make things worse, leaving them not just upset, but also feeling alone. The issue with “letting things blow over” or “sweeping them under the rug” is that while it might seem to keep the peace in the short term, this approach can be harmful in the long run, making effective conflict resolution in relationships essential. Additionally, falling back into passive resentment or silent resignation can damage your relationship with yourself and gradually erode your ability to trust yourself in love. Here are some common reasons my clients have shared for why they often avoid bringing up their concerns directly with their spouses: Fear of being criticized, attacked, or dismissed Guilt about “being too much” or feeling “selfish” Feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt Worry that the conversation will escalate into a huge argument Feelings of awkwardness But underneath these reasons, there is often an unconscious yet powerful fear that goes something like this: “If I speak my truth, my partner might abandon me, and I’ll be left alone with my suffering.” I’d like to share some affirmations to help you strengthen your connection with yourself and your partner, even when you’re feeling upset: I honor my truths, and my feelings matter to me. I trust that my partner also cares deeply about my feelings. I am safe and cared for, even if my partner doesn’t see things my way. I have faith that our relationship can handle big feelings and that we remain connected. I am committed to standing up for myself without putting my partner down. The more I practice, the better I get at understanding what’s beneath my resentment and what I need to feel heard, loved, and seen. It feels empowering to give myself the gift of acknowledging my feelings, wishes, and desires in ways that also deepen and enrich my bond with my partner. Remember, these affirmations are just starting points—feel free to adapt them to your own words so that they feel genuine to you. You can say them silently, or, for an extra boost to your confidence and mood, try saying them out loud in front of a mirror. I’d love to hear from you: What keeps you from speaking up when you’re upset, and what are your favorite affirmations? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Our earliest experiences with our parents shaped our core beliefs about ourselves and taught us the essential skills for navigating relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. As infants, we expressed our needs and emotions by crying, cooing, smiling, gazing, protesting, or clinging to our parents or caregivers for comfort, protection, and connection. In these moments, our mother or father might have been emotionally available, attuned, and curious about our feelings, capable of soothing our distress and finding joy in our presence. However, because they are human, our parents also had their own emotional limitations, internal struggles, and traumas that may have caused them to respond inconsistently, sometimes leaving us frustrated or even frightened. These repeated early experiences—seeking connection, being responded to, or recovering from disconnection—shape our most basic beliefs about what it takes to maintain a close relationship. Unconsciously, we carry these childhood relationship patterns into our adult intimate relationships with our current partners. For example: Whether we need to exaggerate or downplay our emotions to maintain connection Whether our feelings (and by extension, we) are seen as overwhelming, burdensome, or impossible to console Whether we can expect our loved one to take us and our reality seriously Whether it’s safe to express anger towards the person we love Whether it’s possible to be independent and still be part of a “we” with a sense of belonging How responsible versus carefree or uninhibited we can be How self-sufficient versus dependent we must be to keep our loved one close Whether it’s safe to occasionally "look away" from our partner and lose ourselves for a while Whether it’s safe to experience pleasure in the presence of our loved one Whether we can expect to be ignored, intruded upon, or both Whether touch is soothing, thrilling, or potentially dangerous And so on. If you feel inclined to reflect on your own early experiences of connection and disconnection with your parents, consider journaling, meditating, or tuning into these memories in your body. Which memories resonate the most? What do you think you learned as a child about sustaining closeness with someone you love? How might these beliefs be influencing your adult intimate relationships today?