Many of my clients admit they keep a mental tally of every mistake their partner makes or every hurtful comment thrown their way, so they can save it up as ammunition for the next argument. Does that sound familiar? I can relate. I used to bring up my resentments at the worst possible times. This habit kept me from being present in the moment, and it did nothing to help me feel understood either. In fact, ‘kitchen-sinking’—where we bring up every grievance in one go—usually just leaves both partners feeling worse. Managing relationship triggers is essential to breaking this cycle. Here are four simple but powerful steps you can take to feel truly seen and heard, allowing you to communicate with your partner from a place of trust and connection, rather than from the desperate energy of disappointment and frustration. How we treat our partners when we’re hurt really matters! P.S. Doing this inner work doesn’t mean you can’t also receive comfort from your partner—in fact, it will increase the chances that your partner will hear and respond to you! 1. Check In with Yourself and Feel the Feelings Take a few deep breaths and give yourself some space to notice what’s happening in your body. Is your chest tight? Is your stomach in knots? Is there tension in your jaw? Does your body feel like it’s contracting, or do you feel the urge to lash out? These physical sensations can be valuable cues to pay attention to. Try not to judge or interpret these feelings; simply allow them to be. See if you can reach a state of non-resistance to whatever is happening in the present moment. 2. Ask Yourself: Does This Remind Me of Anything I’ve Felt Before? Once you’ve made space to acknowledge and feel your emotions, ask yourself if these feelings seem familiar in any way. Do they remind you of anything from your past? What story do you typically tell yourself in these moments? What meanings have you historically attached to these emotional states? Here are some examples my clients have shared: "I’m all alone again." "My partner doesn’t care if I’m hurting." "I’m not a priority in my partner’s world." "I don’t matter to anyone." "I’m out of control or too much." "I feel intense shame." "I shouldn’t have trusted my partner or shared this with them." "Here I am again, back in a place of inevitable disappointment." "I feel a familiar sense of hopelessness or being ‘doomed.’" 3. Imagine Yourself Getting Exactly What You Need in Your Relationship Right Now Picture yourself sharing exactly what you’re feeling with someone who truly understands you. This could be a real person in your life, or it might be an ideal parent, partner, friend, or mentor—essentially, the wise, mature adult part of you. Imagine this person validating, understanding, and being genuinely curious about your needs and feelings. Notice how this feels: Do any parts of you feel lighter? Less panicked or alone? Are you still feeling desperate? If you feel any resistance to doing this exercise, that’s okay—accept that too and know this practice is always available to you when you’re ready. 4. Prioritize Your Relationship & Come Alongside Your Partner to Stay Connected Be intentional about sharing your honest feelings with your partner when you’re feeling connected to each other. When you talk, let your partner know that while you’re reacting to them, your feelings might be heightened because of past experiences. For example, you might say: “When you don’t answer me, it makes me so angry because I feel ignored, just like I did when my mother didn’t seem to notice me.” Then you might add: “I know I’m sensitive to this, but I’m hoping you can help me with it. Can you make an extra effort to let me know you’re listening, even if you’re tired or distracted?” Take full responsibility for how you might have contributed to the dynamic. This approach will likely disarm your partner and encourage them to take responsibility for their impact on you as well. For example: “I know I repeat myself sometimes and that it can be annoying, but sometimes I keep asking because I just want to know that you’ve heard me.” Remember—this takes lots of practice! I’d love to hear how this goes for you and where you typically get stuck or feel you need more support.

Have you ever held back from telling your partner that you’re upset about something because you didn’t want to spoil the good mood or cause conflict? In those moments, do you find that the words get stuck in your throat because you just can’t bring yourself to say them? Up to 75% of my clients used to worry that addressing issues with their partner wouldn’t be worth the effort, or worse—they feared that it would make things worse, leaving them not just upset, but also feeling alone. The issue with “letting things blow over” or “sweeping them under the rug” is that while it might seem to keep the peace in the short term, this approach can be harmful in the long run, making effective conflict resolution in relationships essential. Additionally, falling back into passive resentment or silent resignation can damage your relationship with yourself and gradually erode your ability to trust yourself in love. Here are some common reasons my clients have shared for why they often avoid bringing up their concerns directly with their spouses: Fear of being criticized, attacked, or dismissed Guilt about “being too much” or feeling “selfish” Feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt Worry that the conversation will escalate into a huge argument Feelings of awkwardness But underneath these reasons, there is often an unconscious yet powerful fear that goes something like this: “If I speak my truth, my partner might abandon me, and I’ll be left alone with my suffering.” I’d like to share some affirmations to help you strengthen your connection with yourself and your partner, even when you’re feeling upset: I honor my truths, and my feelings matter to me. I trust that my partner also cares deeply about my feelings. I am safe and cared for, even if my partner doesn’t see things my way. I have faith that our relationship can handle big feelings and that we remain connected. I am committed to standing up for myself without putting my partner down. The more I practice, the better I get at understanding what’s beneath my resentment and what I need to feel heard, loved, and seen. It feels empowering to give myself the gift of acknowledging my feelings, wishes, and desires in ways that also deepen and enrich my bond with my partner. Remember, these affirmations are just starting points—feel free to adapt them to your own words so that they feel genuine to you. You can say them silently, or, for an extra boost to your confidence and mood, try saying them out loud in front of a mirror. I’d love to hear from you: What keeps you from speaking up when you’re upset, and what are your favorite affirmations? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Our earliest experiences with our parents shaped our core beliefs about ourselves and taught us the essential skills for navigating relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. As infants, we expressed our needs and emotions by crying, cooing, smiling, gazing, protesting, or clinging to our parents or caregivers for comfort, protection, and connection. In these moments, our mother or father might have been emotionally available, attuned, and curious about our feelings, capable of soothing our distress and finding joy in our presence. However, because they are human, our parents also had their own emotional limitations, internal struggles, and traumas that may have caused them to respond inconsistently, sometimes leaving us frustrated or even frightened. These repeated early experiences—seeking connection, being responded to, or recovering from disconnection—shape our most basic beliefs about what it takes to maintain a close relationship. Unconsciously, we carry these childhood relationship patterns into our adult intimate relationships with our current partners. For example: Whether we need to exaggerate or downplay our emotions to maintain connection Whether our feelings (and by extension, we) are seen as overwhelming, burdensome, or impossible to console Whether we can expect our loved one to take us and our reality seriously Whether it’s safe to express anger towards the person we love Whether it’s possible to be independent and still be part of a “we” with a sense of belonging How responsible versus carefree or uninhibited we can be How self-sufficient versus dependent we must be to keep our loved one close Whether it’s safe to occasionally "look away" from our partner and lose ourselves for a while Whether it’s safe to experience pleasure in the presence of our loved one Whether we can expect to be ignored, intruded upon, or both Whether touch is soothing, thrilling, or potentially dangerous And so on. If you feel inclined to reflect on your own early experiences of connection and disconnection with your parents, consider journaling, meditating, or tuning into these memories in your body. Which memories resonate the most? What do you think you learned as a child about sustaining closeness with someone you love? How might these beliefs be influencing your adult intimate relationships today?