What most people truly desire is actually quite simple. They want their partner to be there for them, to genuinely enjoy and look forward to being with them—without facing criticism, attacks, or being shut down.
They want to feel emotionally safe, secure, and free with their partner.
Does this resonate with you? Are you facing relationship compatibility doubts?
For instance, you might both unconsciously feel conflicted between your desire for freedom and fun versus responsibility and commitment, or perhaps you're deeply torn about how independent or dependent you should be on each other.
Take my former clients Miriam and Danielle (not their real names) as an example. They often argued about how much time they should spend together. Miriam felt most loved and connected when Danielle made an effort to spend time together at home as a couple. Danielle, on the other hand, felt most alive and fulfilled in the relationship when she could rehearse with her band, go out with her friends, and pursue her own passions.
Beneath the surface, they both felt insecure and afraid of being rejected, which made their arguments feel so intense. Miriam dealt with her anxiety by constantly seeking validation, while Danielle tried to protect herself by denying that she needed Miriam in the first place.
You see, we’re all unconsciously attracted to people who remind us of our hopes and heartbreaks from our earliest relationships with our parents because our unconscious minds want us to develop the qualities we suppressed (or were not allowed to express) in childhood.
Our inner wisdom keeps pushing us to revisit painful patterns in the hope that we can rework or master them in our adult intimate relationships.
Take a few moments to reflect on these four important questions:
In your family growing up, what parts of yourself or your personality did you learn to express or suppress in order to feel safe and maintain love and connection?
What are your "love stories"—the assumptions you have about who you need to be to be loved and your expectations in loving relationships?
What survival strategies did you develop to help you feel more secure as a child?
How might these same survival strategies still be playing out in your marriage now? Do they still serve you?
If you feel inspired, please comment below and share what comes up for you!