It's so relatable to feel triggered when you see your partner relaxing on the couch, scrolling through their social media feed, or getting comfortable while you’re overwhelmed by the demands of daily life. It can be frustrating when the kids are finally asleep, but there’s still so much to do—dishes piled up, food on the floor, phone calls to return, and lunches to prepare. You haven’t even had a moment to breathe or take care of yourself all day, and the thought of doing it all over again tomorrow feels exhausting.
Many people experience these feelings, and I've heard countless versions of this scenario from my clients and friends. I've been there myself. A few years ago, I would get incredibly triggered when my husband would go out for his long training runs, even after helping around the house and with the kids. I remember thinking:
"Can't he see that I desperately need a break too?"
"It’s never going to be my turn to take care of myself."
"I can’t even get myself to a yoga class once a month, and my husband’s training for another marathon?"
I wished my partner could create the perfect conditions for me to do something for myself, even if there were still endless tasks to finish and our children were sick. I was triggered and envious because I wanted him to:
Give me permission to take time for myself
Help me stay consistent and keep my promises to myself
Soothe my mommy guilt
Fiercely protect my own self-care
He often did these things, but I couldn’t see or hear them because I was too exhausted and wasn’t giving myself permission to prioritize my needs. I was constantly overriding my own needs, especially when everyone else’s seemed more pressing. My husband was showing me exactly what I needed—to be responsive to others without abandoning myself.
I’ve come to realize that feeling triggered often says more about us than it does about our partners. It’s a sign that we need to look inward and ask ourselves some important questions:
3 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Triggered:
What qualities or traits might I be criticizing or attacking in my partner, which may be exactly the things I need to offer myself more of the time?
Often, the very thing that triggers us in our partner is something we’re not giving ourselves permission to do or be. If you’re annoyed that your partner is taking time to relax, it might be a sign that you need to allow yourself to relax more, too.
What do I need in order to be deliberate and consistent with my own self-care?
Think about what changes you can make in your routine or mindset to prioritize your well-being. Maybe it’s setting boundaries, asking for help, or letting go of guilt.
How can I grow from this experience of being triggered? What’s missing for me, and what am I secretly yearning for but not admitting to myself or expressing to my partner?
Triggers can be powerful teachers. They show us where we’re feeling unfulfilled or disconnected from our needs. Take a moment to reflect on what you’re truly longing for and consider how you can communicate these needs to your partner.
Taking a pause to reflect on these questions can help transform moments of frustration into opportunities for growth and deeper self-understanding. I'd love to hear what comes up for you when you think about these questions. Feel free to share in the comments!