You might have heard that mother-baby pairs (and father-baby pairs) "mutually regulate" each other. This means that babies and caregivers develop a shared rhythm or space where their emotions, stress levels, and fundamental sense of self are constantly influencing one another. When everything is going well, the parent and baby feel connected and in sync. They both feel relatively safe, comfortable within themselves, and in harmony together.
But when this familiar rhythm is disrupted by danger or intense feelings like rage, shame, helplessness, or loss of control, the whole system becomes "dysregulated," leaving both the parent and baby feeling helpless, chaotic, and out of control. It’s as if parent and baby are sharing the same "bundle of nerves." I also like to highlight that parent and baby are constantly creating and reacting within a shared energetic field or vibration.
Our default ways of processing and dealing with our feelings and sensations (and subsequently our attachment patterns) are formed within this relational field, which is associated with the right hemisphere of our brain, by the age of 18 months. These templates and patterns are stored outside of our conscious awareness in the form of body sensations, images, emotions, and kinesthetic memories.
In our adult intimate relationships, these implicit, right-hemisphere memories get re-activated. They provide a blueprint or template for what we expect from our partner, what we perceive as safe or unsafe, and how we can best protect ourselves from perceived threats or disconnection. In our families of origin, these relationship blueprints likely served us well, but they can become outdated, misguided, or limiting when it comes to our relationships with our partners. If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same patterns with your partner and feeling stuck or hopeless, pay close attention:
Breaking relationship cycles begins with becoming aware of your early patterns and understanding their origins. This awareness sheds light on why your reactions can feel so automatic and intense, and why your intimate relationships may seem stuck in "replay mode." By recognizing these patterns, you can move beyond limiting assumptions and open up new, exciting possibilities with your partner!
If you found this valuable, please share your thoughts and takeaways in the comments below!