In long-term relationships, it’s inevitable that our partners will disappoint, hurt, or misunderstand us at times. There will always be a gap between the ideal lover we imagined and the real, human, imperfect partner we have. It’s crucial that we learn to make space for these disappointments—even disillusionment—in order to restore connection and continue to grow in love.
When faced with disillusionment, we have two choices:
Spiral down the path of control, revenge, and resentful resignation. It’s okay if you’ve found yourself on this path more times than you can count. Our natural response when we feel abandoned, helpless, ashamed, or hopeless is to protest, angrily demand connection, retaliate, or withdraw.
Turn back toward our partner and repair the relationship to restore connection. This challenging task of healing in the face of relationship pain offers renewed opportunities to affirm that we are good enough, lovable, and capable of loving, and that we can truly rely on our partner and our relationship to be there for us, even in our darkest moments.
This choice is a recurring one, presenting itself in our moment-by-moment interactions. The beauty of relationships lies in the fact that they are like a daily practice—we don’t need to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to be reactive, to get angry, to have a tantrum, or to withdraw. In fact, sometimes these reactions are necessary, and most relationships can weather conflict. What truly matters is that we consciously and deliberately decide to respond differently by returning to our partner and recognizing that they are in pain too.
The next time you notice the familiar feelings of disappointment, hopelessness, or resentment bubbling up in your body, pause. Take some deep, full breaths. Stop blaming, and instead become curious about what got triggered for both of you that caused such deep upset.
Remember that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our partner is to take responsibility for how we affect them, while still honoring our own feelings. Try to see your partner with softer eyes and assume the best about their intentions.
Lastly, practice self-compassion if you’re not “there yet.” This isn’t about reaching a destination; it’s a lifelong process. Even the most skilled individuals have days when relationship communication strategies feel impossible. I’d love to hear what resonates with you, what you would add, or anything else you feel inspired to share about your own journey.