Many of my clients admit they keep a mental tally of every mistake their partner makes or every hurtful comment thrown their way, so they can save it up as ammunition for the next argument. Does that sound familiar?
I can relate. I used to bring up my resentments at the worst possible times. This habit kept me from being present in the moment, and it did nothing to help me feel understood either. In fact, ‘kitchen-sinking’—where we bring up every grievance in one go—usually just leaves both partners feeling worse.
Managing relationship triggers is essential to breaking this cycle. Here are four simple but powerful steps you can take to feel truly seen and heard, allowing you to communicate with your partner from a place of trust and connection, rather than from the desperate energy of disappointment and frustration. How we treat our partners when we’re hurt really matters!
P.S. Doing this inner work doesn’t mean you can’t also receive comfort from your partner—in fact, it will increase the chances that your partner will hear and respond to you!
1. Check In with Yourself and Feel the Feelings
Take a few deep breaths and give yourself some space to notice what’s happening in your body. Is your chest tight? Is your stomach in knots? Is there tension in your jaw? Does your body feel like it’s contracting, or do you feel the urge to lash out?
These physical sensations can be valuable cues to pay attention to. Try not to judge or interpret these feelings; simply allow them to be. See if you can reach a state of non-resistance to whatever is happening in the present moment.
2. Ask Yourself: Does This Remind Me of Anything I’ve Felt Before?
Once you’ve made space to acknowledge and feel your emotions, ask yourself if these feelings seem familiar in any way. Do they remind you of anything from your past? What story do you typically tell yourself in these moments? What meanings have you historically attached to these emotional states?
Here are some examples my clients have shared:
"I’m all alone again."
"My partner doesn’t care if I’m hurting."
"I’m not a priority in my partner’s world."
"I don’t matter to anyone."
"I’m out of control or too much."
"I feel intense shame."
"I shouldn’t have trusted my partner or shared this with them."
"Here I am again, back in a place of inevitable disappointment."
"I feel a familiar sense of hopelessness or being ‘doomed.’"
3. Imagine Yourself Getting Exactly What You Need in Your Relationship Right Now
Picture yourself sharing exactly what you’re feeling with someone who truly understands you. This could be a real person in your life, or it might be an ideal parent, partner, friend, or mentor—essentially, the wise, mature adult part of you.
Imagine this person validating, understanding, and being genuinely curious about your needs and feelings. Notice how this feels: Do any parts of you feel lighter? Less panicked or alone? Are you still feeling desperate? If you feel any resistance to doing this exercise, that’s okay—accept that too and know this practice is always available to you when you’re ready.
4. Prioritize Your Relationship & Come Alongside Your Partner to Stay Connected
Be intentional about sharing your honest feelings with your partner when you’re feeling connected to each other. When you talk, let your partner know that while you’re reacting to them, your feelings might be heightened because of past experiences. For example, you might say: “When you don’t answer me, it makes me so angry because I feel ignored, just like I did when my mother didn’t seem to notice me.” Then you might add: “I know I’m sensitive to this, but I’m hoping you can help me with it. Can you make an extra effort to let me know you’re listening, even if you’re tired or distracted?”
Take full responsibility for how you might have contributed to the dynamic. This approach will likely disarm your partner and encourage them to take responsibility for their impact on you as well. For example: “I know I repeat myself sometimes and that it can be annoying, but sometimes I keep asking because I just want to know that you’ve heard me.”
Remember—this takes lots of practice! I’d love to hear how this goes for you and where you typically get stuck or feel you need more support.